Life Goes On
by STANathanXOox
Summary: Ziva has a past, a past that no one on the NCIS team know about. Her boyfriend Tony doesn't even know about this. Can she bring herself to overcome the memories and fear of the rejection and tell him and the team about her past.
1. Chapter 1

I needed to escape from this case, it reminded me too much of my past before I came to America, before I joined NCIS, before I lost the most amazing thing that had ever happened in my life. I stood rooted to the spot looking at the damage caused by a suspected suicide bomber who had killed not only himself but also a four year old and a marine. It was a scene that you saw almost every night on the news, but facing the aftermath again was bringing back the memories of my past, something that I tried so desperately to forget and let go of. I felt the tears brimming and knew that I had to escape I just couldn't stay here any longer, forcing myself to move before any one in the team noticed that I was struggling with this I ran from the room, from the house and out to the back of the NCIS truck, falling down the side of side of the truck, pulling my legs up and resting my head on them, sobbing silently.

*9 years ago*

_I had just returned home from a busy mission in South Israel a town called Elat situated on the Israel Jordan border, I had been down there for the last three months having chased a suspect across many borders and they had fled to Elat. I had checked in and debriefed Mossad before finally heading home to my four year old daughter Kashan, who had been staying with my friend Dina Bishon whilst I was on my mission, we had always been close. I had walked up to her apartment and knocked, she opened the door and smiled, giving me a hug_  
_"Welcome home Ziva" Dina said and I smiled_  
_"Its good to be home Dina, has Kashan been a good girl?" I asked and she smiled_  
_"Yeah she's been amazing, missed you alot and has about a billion drawings for you to see and letters to read" she said and I smiled_  
_"Thank you so much for looking after her again Dina" I said and she smiled_  
_"Anything for you Ziva, you know that" she said and we hugged again. We made our way further into her apartment and I smiled looking at the sight of my little girl on the floor playing with play doh and her teddy bear that she has had since her birth at her side. Her dark brown hair with light brown highlights, had grown longer and was now down to mid back, its natural curls making me smile, that hadn't changed_  
_"Tataleh" I said and upon hearing my voice she turned around_  
_"Ima, I missed you so much" she said running toward me, I picked her and kissed her face, and she did the same to mine_  
_"I missed you too tataleh, so much" I said and she smiled_  
_"No more missions Ima?" she asked and I smiled_  
_"No more missions until after Aunty Jenny returns" I said and she smiled_  
_"How long will that be?" she asked and I smiled_  
_"A little over a month, she's in Italy" I said and she smiled_  
_"Can we go home?" she said and I smiled,_  
_"Of coure we can" I said and she smiled, kissing my cheek again before I put her on the ground._

_After leaving Dina's house I took her home, she was babbling on about everything that I had missed being gone and I smiled, listening intently because she was my little girl and I needed her to know that I was paying attention to her. I smiled at her when she raced into our house, I missed everything about this, coming home to my little girl each nigh and all I wanted was to get a normal job where I could be there for my daughter instead of being here and there and everywhere and not spending enough time with my daughter who growing up and needed me. We played games together and when we had finished dinner we watched a movie before I put her to bed. I kissed her forehead and watched her for a good ten minutes before I headed into the bathroom to have a shower and clean some of this dirt off of me. I was in the shower for a good ten minutes before I got out and dressed into a clean pair of pjs. Walking past Kashan's bedroom just to cheek on her like I did everynight I was at home, I smiled at seeing her so peaceful. I made my way into my bedroom and lay down with a book, reading it as I began to drift off to sleep._

_I heard something fall to the floor, with a loud clutter and I got up to check what it was however just as I exited my bedroom my gun in hand there was loud explosion and Kashan's bedroom blew up, I screamed and raced forward before the sprinklers started and started putting out the flames. I screamed out in anguish as I fell to the ground in a heap. The tell tale signs of sirens sounded from down the road and all I could do was stay there I couldn't leave the house because I needed to be here._  
_"Ma'am we need you to evacuate" the firefighter said_  
_"Tataleh" I whispered, my voice to raw to say anything above a whisper, I looked at the firefighter and he looked at me and then his companions_  
_"Come on ma'am" the firefighter who was standing over me said, pulling me up and walking with me out of the building._  
_"Ziva, what happened?" my next door neighbour Aviv said rushing to my side_  
_"Tataleh" I whispered and he pulled me in for a hug_  
_"Oh the poor dear" Halei said also hugging me._

_It wasn't until the firefighters came out with pained expressions on their faces that I finally broke down and lost it. They handed me Kashan's teddy bear and baby blanket saying_  
_"They were sheltered from the intial blast because they had fallen under her bed. It looks like the blast was solely to focus on not letting your daughter escape, cause the explosion didn't reach the far side of the bedroom, however she must've gotten up to go to the bathroom or was maybe trying to join you in your bed and she must've been almost out of the room. I'm so sorry" the firefighter said and I nodded_  
_"Thank you" I whispered and he nodded. They were all about to leave when I asked_  
_"Is it alright if I go back in?" and they nodded,_  
_"The fires out, it might just smell like smoke for a while" he told me and I ran back into my house. Heading straight to Kashan's bedroom, I walked in and saw the damage, the whole front of her room was burnt almost to a crisp, but the back was pretty much in tact. I moved to the back of the room, and picked up the pictures that she had on her bed side table, one of me and one of me and her and I smiled. I must've fallen asleep in her bed because the next thing I remember is being woken by the home phone going off and not being able to grab it off the hook._

*Present Day*

I felt a hand on my back, a strong familiar hand but all I could do was curl up tighter in a ball and ignore it.  
"Ziva" he whispered  
"Ziva everythings going to be alright we'll catch whoever did this" he said and I sobbed again.

**A/N: I hope you enjoyed this first chapter, I got the idea for writing this, by watching a video on YouTube, I think its called Stand in the Rain by Ships in the Night. I hope you guys enjoy it, but I am really thankful that I was given the idea for video and a lot of my followers on tumblr wanted me to right this so I hope I live up to all your expectations when you read the description!**


	2. Chapter 2

-Tony's Point of View-

I watched as Ziva curled up tighter in a ball, all I could do was rub her back, some boyfriend I was. I couldn't even bring her out of her stupor when she was in shock. I sat next to her and held her close, as her sobbing grew heavier, I knew that something had triggered this I just didn't know what it was or how I was going to get her out of this. Gibbs and McGee were watching us as I sat here helplessly trying to support my girlfriend through whatever this was.  
"Its alright Zi, everything will be alright" I said and she shook her head and whispered something that I didn't quite catch  
"What was that hun?" I asked and she shook her head refusing to answer.  
"Ziva please" I begged and she sat up a little, the pain in her eyes when they meet mine told me that whatever she was trying to deal with was deeper than anything she had ever told me before, darker as well.

When she fell back to the ground her head hiding in her arms I got up and went to Gibbs and McGee, who were looking at me to give them some sort of indication that she was alright.  
"I think I might take Ziva home and then come back in later this afte-" but Gibbs cut me off  
"You stay with her, and make sure she tells you whatever it is that she's hiding. You need to be there to support your girlfriend and partner, I can't have one of you at home and the other at work worried about the other" he said and I smiled weakily  
"Are you sure Gibbs? I don't want to leave you two people down. This case is going to be hard enough to crack with the four of us" I asked trying to reason with him, I really did not want to let Gibbs and McGee down but I also didn't want to leave Ziva alone to face what ever it was she was dealing with.  
"I am sure, now take Ziva home" Gibbs said and I nodded. I grabbed our gear out of the back of the truck and went over to my car which I had driven McGee and myself over in. McGee came with me to get his bag out of the back and he was deep in thought  
"What is it McGee?" I asked knowing that he needed to get whatever it was off his chest  
"Please make sure you find out whats wrong with Ziva, it seems like she's going to need you to be there for her Tony and you know that she won't give whatever it up lightly" McGee said and I nodded  
"I know McGee, I'll support her no matter what" I said reassuring him and he smiled  
"I know, I'll see you later Tony" he said and I nodded  
"See you later McGee" I said maing my way back over to the truck and grabbing Ziva in my arms so I could take her to the car.

I had just gotten in the drivers seat when Ziva spoke up  
"You know I could've walked to the car Tony" she said and I nodded  
"I know Zi, but I just wanted you to let it out" I said and she nodded turning her attention out the window as I started driving. She spent the whole ride home starring out the window and didn't talk to me once. We entered our apartment, we had moved in together a little over three and a half months ago, and everything was working for us, however I felt like today Ziva was going to head straight to our bedroom and lock the door so I couldn't enter. I did know her well enough to leave her alone for a while, knowing that she would need to get whatever it was out of her system a little before I could even go and see her. So when she headed to our bedroom I headed to the kitchen and decided it was a little early for lunch but decided to cook something, to pass the time.

It was about an hour later when the smell of food dragged Ziva out of our bedroom, she smiled weakily and sat at the table  
"I'm sorry Tony" she whispered and I nodded  
"What ever it is Zi you know you can trust me with it right?" I asked and she nodded, I placed a plate of bacon and egg pie in front of her and she smiled lightly.  
"I know Tony just give me a little bit of time and courage, this is a big part of who I am now and why I am the way I am" she said her voice barely above a whisper now as I sat next to her.  
"Whenever your ready to tell me Ziva I'll be ready to hear it" I said and she nodded digging into her bacon and egg pie, as I did the same.

**A/N: Hey guys, did you like this installment? I hope you did, I liked writing it**


	3. Chapter 3

-Ziva's Point of View-

I know I need to tell him about Kashan, about everything but right now I couldn't even think about her properely without the ache in my chest threatening to send me over the edge again. After clearing up the dishes which I had taken off of Tony to keep my hands busy I let my mind wander.

_"Ima, look, I did it!" Kashan squealed excitedly, barging into my bedroom. I turned around and pulled my shirt over my head and down, she had come in to show me that she had dressed herself, I smiled at her and said just as excitedly_  
_"Well done tataleh that was a good job" I said making my way over to her to look at her as she stood proudly in her favorite pair of butterfly jeans and her red lady bug shirt._  
_"Hang on tataleh, your shirts on backwards" I said and she frowned_  
_"I did good Ima?" she asked and I nodded_  
_"You did really well tataleh, it takes a long time for people to learn how to get dressed all by themselves, but it takes even longer for them to put there clothes on the right way" I explained and she smiled, her toothy grin beaming up at me_  
_"Really Ima?" she asked and I smiled_  
_"Of course tataleh" I said. At two and a half years old Kashan was just learning how to do things as independantly as possible, searching for praise whenever she did something right. As I finished dressing she sat on my bedroom floor talking to her teddy bear his name was Bob, she liked it said it was plain and simple. I smiled as I did my hair and turned to Kashan, who seemed to know what time it was and what I was about to do, she scrambled to her feet and ran away. I needed to do her hair and since her hair was so tight and curly it was a mission for me every morning, I just hoped that sometime in the near future her hair would lose some of its curls. Maybe if Ari would stop cutting it to keep it short it might just grow and then it would become wavy instead of tight little curls. Talking of Ari, today was the day that we were heading out to the air port to say goodbye, since he was going on a mission to Mexico, and we weren't going to see him for a year at least, something that Kashan wasn't to happy about._

_"Come on tataleh, I need to do you hair" I said and she shook her head_  
_"No Ima!" she said sternly and I hated that she had picked up that trait from me_  
_"Tataleh" I begged and she shook her head and folded her arms_  
_"Kashan Sari Helena Leban-David, come here" I said using her full name, she shook her head and fell to the ground about to start a tantrum, I sighed, this had become a part of our morning ritual since the day she had turned two._  
_"Come on tataleh we have to hurry otherwise we'll miss seeing Uncle Ari leave" I reasoned and her lips trembled, she got up and ran to my arms_  
_"Ima I don't want Uncle Ari to leave" she said and I nodded_  
_"I know tataleh but he's going on a mission" she looked at me and pouted_  
_"You not going are you Ima?" she asked and I shook my head_  
_"Not this time tataleh" I said and she sighed in relief. I wasn't to leave on another mission until the European/ Middle East NCIS agent Jenny Shepard returned from America and that wasn't happening for another month. I brushed her hair and Kashan sat on the floor resuming her conversation with her teddy bear._  
_"Ow Ima, owie" she wined and I frowned_  
_"I'm sorry tataleh" I said and nodded._

_Finally we were able to leave and after grabbing my hand bag and Kashan's bag I headed down to the car and we headed out toward the air port. We were meeting Ari just after he checked in and I knew that he would be here already. We made our way into the air port and Kashan frowned_  
_"I don't want to say goodbye to Uncle Ari" she said and I kissed her cheek_  
_"He'll be back tataleh" I said and she nodded_  
_"I know Ima" she said and rested her head on my shoulder._  
_"Ziva" I heard the familiar voice of my best friend Dina and smiled_  
_"Shalom Dina" I said in greeting and she smiled_  
_"Shalom Ziva, Kashan" she said reaching out and pinching at Kashan's cheek gently._  
_"Shalom Dina" Kashan said and I smiled._  
_"How are you?" I asked and she smiled_  
_"I'm alright at the moment, I'm going to miss him so much though" she said and I nodded in understanding_  
_"So is Kashan" I said and she nodded, holding out her arms for my daughter_  
_"Are you going to miss Uncle Ari?" she asked and Kashan nodded_  
_"Lots and lots Dina" she explained using her arms to show just how much. I smiled a little. I jumped when I felt a pair of arms wrap around my middle, when I turned I threw my arms around my brother_  
_"Shalom Ari" I said and he smiled_  
_"Shalom Ziva" he said kissing my forehead._  
_"Uncle Ari!" Kashan squealed and I smiled as my brother picked up his neice_  
_"I'm going to miss you so much Kashan, you have to proise me you'll be good for Ima and do everything she asks you" he said and Kashan nodded_  
_"Of course Uncle Ari" she said and placed a kiss on Ari cheek._

_We spent the next hour at the air port with Ari until his flight was announced that they were boarding passengers. He hugged and kissed Dina, wrapped his arms around my waist and told me that I had to look out for myself and Kashan and to promise to write when I could. And then he picked up Kashan again and hugged her tightly kissing all over her face and returning her to my arms. A we watched him walk away Kashan started balling her eyes out and I had to reassure her that, we would write a letter to him tonight just to make her calm down. After bidding Dina goodbye, we made our way out to the car and then headed to head quarters to Mossad._  
_"Grandpa" Kashan squealed in delight as we made our way into his office, as Deputy Director of Mossad and the head person in charge of missions he had his job cut out for him but now as he sat at his desk he smiled and held his arms open for his granddaughter_  
_"Kashan, my sweet little granddaughter. How are you?" he asked her and she frowned_  
_"I'm sad grandpa, Uncle Ari gone" she said tears almost fowing down her face_  
_"He'll be back sweetie, and how is your Ima?" he asked her and she looked at me_  
_"Ima's good grandpa" she said and I smiled_  
_"I'm good Abba" I said making my way over and kissing his cheek_  
_"That's good Ziva I have confirmation that Jenny is back earlier than we expected she arrived yesterday and is currently debriefing Jahleil" he said and I nodded before turning back to him_  
_"We're not going on a mission are we?" I asked and he shook his head_  
_"Not yet" he said and I smiled._

I didn't feel like smiling now though it wasn't fair, how my life had changed since that day, I had lost so much but gained so much more. I had never been that close to my father not even when I had Kashan but when I had lost her he was the first one to support me, because he was the first one to visit me the following morning.  
"Ziva, what happened?" he asked running from his car toward me  
"She's gone" I whispered hugging my father tightly and sobbing into his chest  
"What?" he asked and I looked up at him  
"There was an explosion in my house Abba, inside Kashan's bedroom" I told him and he let go of me running down the hall toward Kashan's bedroom  
"Oh Kashan my poor angel" he whispered and walked back out to me in the kitchen  
"I will find out who did this to my grandchild" he said and I felt a pang in my chest as he left, I should've known he wasn't here for me, he was only here for Kashan.

"Zi, are you alright? You keep on muttering things" Tony said walking into the kitchen, I turned to him and shook my head  
"I miss her Tony" I whispered running into his arms, and when I started to sob again he held me close. But I could sense how confused he was and how much he wanted to know what I was keeping from him.  
"Zi?" he asked and I looked into his eyes  
"Make love to me Tony" I said and his eyes widened  
"Ziva?" he asked and I shook my head  
"Just please, help me forget" I begged, and he must of sensed something in me, knowing that I wasn't about to tell him until he did so. I felt his lips against mine as he pressed me up against the counter and I kissed him back. When he lifted me up and carried me to our bedroom and lowered me to the bed I fet guilty for asking me to do this, to help me forget when he didn't even know what I was trying to forget.

**A/N: I think this chapter is a good one and I hope you do too.**


	4. Chapter 4

_"Ima look at this" Kashan squealed, as she ran along the sandy beach front with a shell in her hand_  
_"You can hear the ocean Ima. Listen" she said handing it to me, a huge smile plastered on her face. I held it up to my ear and listened to the shell_  
_"Your right tataleh you can hear the ocean" I said and she smiled a big grin on her face._  
_"Ima when is Aunty Jenny getting here?" she asked and I smiled_  
_"She should be here soon tataleh" I told her and with that she ran further down the beach and started building a sandcastle. It was about ten minutes later when Kashan returned to my side and just as I was about to offer her a snack she squealed_  
_"Aunty Jenny" as Kashan ran over to Jenny I noticed that she was trying to compose her emotions and keep them in check._  
_"Shalom Kashan" Jenny said picking up my three year old daughter_  
_"Shalom Aunty Jenny" she said placing a kiss on her cheek before she was placed back on the ground and ran to my side, saying excitedly_  
_"Aunty Jenny's here Ima" I nodded at her and then whispered to her_  
_"Go finish buiding your sand castle tataleh, I need to speak with Aunty Jenny for a minute" I said and she nodded running back to her sand castle. Jenny sat next to me on the sand and looked at me not even bothering to hide her distress._  
_"What is it Jenny?" I asked and tears brimmed and escaped_  
_"Its Ari" she whispered and I went into shock_  
_"What is it? What happened to him?" I asked and she frowned_  
_"He was tortured, by a Mexican drug lord. That's why we lost contact with him, apparently the Mexican authorities found the drug lords hide out and when they were there they found Ari along with three other agents, two Mossad and one NCIS" she explained and I felt the warm moisture falling down my face_  
_"How bad?" I whispered and she placed a hand on my shoulder_  
_"Ari was so badly beaten that he doesn't remember anything, once he's well enough to travel then we'll bring him back here. As for the other agents none of them made it" she said, all I could do was shake with misery. I felt strong masculine arms wrap around my waist and heard the soothing voice of_

I snapped back to reality, bolting upright and shaking terribly. I felt Tony's hand on my shoulder and looked down at it. It was just a memory, a flashback to when my relationship between my brother and my family changed. After that moment my relationship with my father which was faulty enough almost fell apart and there was nothing that I could do to stop it.  
"Zi its alright, it was just a nightmare. It can't hurt you" he said and I shook my heaad it wasn't a nightmare it was my past coming back to haunt me. All I could do was turn in his arms and hold him close as I sobbed uncontrollably.  
"Hey now Zi. I'm here, everything will be alright. Do you want to talk about it?" he asked, I started to shake my head and then stopped maybe I could tell him. I mean he'd more than proven that he cared for me and showed me more times than I could count that he loved me to the end of the world and back. I sighed, sitting upright and looking at the time. It was almost 0700 anyway,  
"Can you ring Gibbs and tell him we won't be coming in to work today?" I asked and he nodded grabbing his cell phone off the nightstand and dialling the ever familiar number. Whilst he did that I got up to go to the bathroom. Before making my way into the kitchen to grab a drink of water. Sitting on the couch I waited for Tony to come and find me. He did less than a minute later, his focus on me as he waited for me to speak.

"I haven't told anyone about my past before I came to America, no one knows apart from Jenny" I said and he raised his eyebrows at me and I placed my hands on his  
"I'll get to that, just please know that this is really hard for me to speak about and I don't know if I can do this" I told him and he leant forward and kissed my cheek  
"Whatever it is Zi, know that you can trust me with anything" he said and I nodded before saying  
"I know that Tony" I told him squeezing his hand. He smiled and said  
"Please tell me Zi, whatever it is. I will help as much as I possibly can" he promised and I nodded  
"I know you will try Tony, but your going to hate me for not telling you" I said starting to cry  
"I won't hate you Zi, I could never ever hate you my love" he said pulling me in for a hug and holding me close. When he felt me relax he pulled back and looked at me with a smile on his face  
"Go" he said and I smiled weakily, taking in a deep breath I started  
"It all started 15 years ago" and his smile never fell from his face it was reassuring to know that he was truly there for me.

**A/N: I know its short but I haven't really had time to write it. I hope you enjoy it!**


	5. Chapter 5

"It all started 15 years ago" and his smile never fell from his face it was reassuring to know that he was truly there for me.  
"I was in my third year as a Mossad agent, happily involved in a relationship with a man who had me convinced that he loved me and I was in love with him too. At the age of 23 I had a job however risky, a partner and my father and half brother were there for me. However a week before my 24 birthday he used me to get inside Mossad and get information that he later used against us. About eight weeks after he left us I found out that I was pregnant. For awhile I thought about getting rid of my child but the longer I spent figuring it out the further into my pregnancy I got and the more attached I grew to my baby. My brother and my best friend Dina were the only ones who were truly there for me throughout the whole pregnancy. When my baby was born I was blessed with a daughter, her name was Kashan Sari Helena Leban-David and she was such a beautiful little girl. I returned to work as soon as my father allowed it and was paired with our NCIS liason Jenny Shepard. Everything was fine and she became Kashan's Aunt and my best friend, we protected each other and had one anothers backs. When I was on a mission with Jenny Dina and Ari looked after Kashan, mainly Dina though because Ari was also on missions. Just before Kashan's fourth birthday Jenny was sent on a mission for NCIS, I didn't find out until later that it was with Gibbs. After Kashan's fourth birthday I was sent on a mission on the border of Jordan in a town called Elat, I was there for three months and when I returned everything was fine. I picked up Kashan and took her home, went back into our routine that we had. I put Kashan to bed and stayed with her for a while before I got up and went to bed. Later that night there was a noise I got up to investigate and I was about to walk out into the hallway and there was an explosion that came from Kashan's bedroom. She died in the explosion, she had tried to come and sleep with me. I lost my little girl that day and I lost everything that was important to me" I sobbed, feeling Tony's arms wrap around my waist. He kissed the top of my head  
"What happened after that Zi?" he asked  
"Everything fell apart my father wouldn't speak to me and blamed me for the death of Kashan, she was my daughter I could never do such a thing. Ari had been sent on a mission in Mexico so he didn't find out for awhile. The only person I could truly confide in was in Paris. However when I rang Jenny she returned to my side, she was there the whole time, supporting me through everything. She returned as Mossad's NCIS liason and helped me through everything, four years passed and after giving up my role as a fully active agent for Mossad I became a control officer. My brothers control officer to be exact, at the time however he was still my brother and I loved him dearly, he tried his hardest to comfort me but we had both changed, he'd seen things in Mexico, seen tortures beyond belief and I'd lost my little girl. When Jenny told me she had been called back to NCIS to replace the Director, I begged her to take me with her, since the death of Kashan I'd moved in with Jenny because she feared for my safety, she agreed saying she would do what she could to get me over here" I told him and he took it in  
"So what your telling me is that Jenny, was there for you after the death of your little girl, the reason you truly moved out here was to escape the bad memories?" he asked and I nodded  
"When I moved out here to save my brother I didn't believe he had turned traitor for Mossad, but before I was recruited into the team Ari was sent all over the states and south America, for me to control him was hard, but then I found out he had indeed turned traitor and I wanted nothing to do with Mossad and Israel, but it was hard to let go of the past" I said and he nodded.  
"I'm not going to let anything happen to you Zi, thank you for trusting me with this information" he said kissing the top of my head  
"I needed to tell you Tony I can't keep this bottled up inside any longer" I said defeated.  
"I know Zi, thank you for telling me" he said pulling me close and rubbing my back soothingly.

**A/N: Heya guys, sorry for the delay but I hope you like this chapter!**


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